Control vs. Teaching and the consequences

I love how the human mind works. Or at least how my brain works. A thought about one topic can inspire a thought about something completely different.

While reading Ruth's open letter to Kate Harding, I had an epiphany of sorts.

There is a common perspective in our culture that children need to be controlled and punished into accepting the control. If parents are successful at controlling their children, then they are considered to be successful parents. Parents who have uncontrolled children, especially in public, are shamed and ostracized. These parents are viewed as a failure because they do not control.

I get sucked into that perspective. When my child acts childish, especially in public, I feel embarrassed, pressured into controlling and like a failure. "I should be better at controlling."

Instead, the perspective we need is that parents are teachers. We teach our children how to:

• Treat others
• Survive and take care of oneself
  
• Communicate
• Navigate social situations
  
• Return to joy after sadness and frustration
  
• Control themselves (notice the control is done by self, not others)
• Navigate relationships
  

This is the short list.

As teachers, we should recognize that our children do not learn all the lessons the first time they are taught. A wise professor once said to me, "Repetition is the mother of learning." (tangent: I guess St. Thomas of Acquinas gets the credit for this proverb. It will always be attributed to Professor Sullivan in my mind.)

So it is quite normal that the lessons may require repeating and my child's behavior may not please others or me at times. However, my child is still learning, doesn't always do it "right" and must be given Grace Cards. For the behavior that my four-year old is exhibiting will not always be the behavior he exhibits. I have to trust that because he is always learning and I am always teaching, even when I'm just modeling how to handle boredom, frustration and tiredness.

And I need a Grace Card too. Being a teacher is hard and counter-culture.