What do you do?

My son is almost four and is clearly investigating the world in order to understand it. I love the curiosity.

One of the benefits of lying with him as he falls asleep is that we use the quiet darkness to talk about the day. His first question is, "What are we going to do today?" What he's asking is "What am I going to do tomorrow?" Talking about the great things happening tomorrow is a habit started by my husband who kept himself awake as a child, dreading the next day at school (so sad!).

Another common question for him is "What do ____ do?" What do dinosaurs do? What do babies do? What do you do at work? My working at an office is the topic of conversation lately. He misses me. He says, "I can't see you when you're at work!" I miss him.

When we were talking last night about today (Monday) and what I was going to do, we also talked about what his dad would do.

I will go to work.
He and his sister are going to play and swim (their work is play).
Daddy's work is to watch them, take care of them and play.

My child is so young that he believes his life is normal. It's normal that mom goes to work and dad takes care of him. He sees that our roles in family are flexible. And he's learning it young and for that I'm grateful.

Night Ramblings

A project at work has been hanging over my head. I was going to finish it in April, then the end of May. June, well, I had hopes. It's almost July. But I think I finally have the vision and umph to get it done. Maybe this weekend! I need to do it when the daily tasks of my job don't distract me. When there aren't phone calls and problems and people wanting to know things.

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I've been reading a preview of the book, Stunned: The New Generation of Women Having Babies, Getting Angry and Creating a Mothers’ Movement by Karen Bridson. I heard about it on blue milk's blog--she's going to have the author on her blog someday soon and I'm hoping to ask a few questions. Hope it doesn't take me three months to read the few pages. It promises to be interesting, addresses the complaints my friends have brought up and is thought provoking. Since I have a habit of engaging those around me in conversation about what I'm pondering, it should be an interesting few weeks while me and my two male co-workers/bosses discuss women in the workplace. Especially since these guys have wives who stay at home.

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Ever feel left out of blogger land because you're not a young stay at home mother?

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Swimming every night after work takes a lot of energy out of my body. I had an interesting conversation with a health coach and we talked about my lack of sleep. I'm reluctant to go to bed. It's a trade off. I'm starting to think that getting enough sleep might be worth the trade off.

That's enough for tonight. I think once I get that writing project for work done, the creative juices will flow. What's going on with you?

Rude Houseguest

We've had a visitor at our house for more than a week. The visitor is demanding, ego-centric and sensitive. The visitor has required much time and attention.

The visitor is a deep scrape on the top of my son's foot and fortunately, Owie is going to leave soon.

Because of Owie, our lives have been altered in many ways.

No wearing pants because they scrape Owie. A few pairs of shorts also remained in the dresser. Somehow they irritated Owie.

We bought flip flops so my son could wear shoes. His other shoes hurt Owie.

No more wearing night-time training pants/pull-ups because those hurt Owie going on. Back to diapers.

We had to scrounge for bandages to cover Owie. For the world could not continue to turn on its axis with an exposed Owie.

Could Owie swim? I suppose Owie didn't want to, but the thrill of swimming was more enticing than keeping Owie dry.

No bumping Owie! My son aggressively protected Owie and protested when Owie was in any danger of being bumped.

We talked about Owie a lot. I was warned repeatedly not to come near or touch Owie.

As you can see, the scab has fallen off today and Owie is on his way out of our home.

And not a day too soon.

Clothes that look good

Whenever I go shopping for clothing, it always amazes me. I'm pretty sure the fashion industry has this assumption:

• All fat women want to wear tunics.
• Young women are not overweight.
• If a young woman is larger than size 12, then she wants to wear her grandma's clothes.
• Skimp on fabric for the larger sizes, quality doesn't matter.

I was delighted to encounter an article in Crain's New York about the fashion challenges for women size 14 and up. A few interesting facts:

• Average American woman weighs 164 pounds and sports a size 14
• Plus sized women are bargain shoppers
• Clothing sales for plus sizes have dropped
  

I guess that explains the problem. But it doesn't make it any less frustrating. I would think that if clothing manufacturers make high quality clothing for large women, they'd buy it. I avoided Lane Bryant for years because I wanted to wear something besides polyester. Their clothing felt cheap and shouldn't cost more than $10 (but cost $40-60). I think the store has gotten better, but I still can't find a form-fitting shirt--they're all sleeveless or tunics. What's up with that?

Since I'm on the subject, maternity clothing is another nightmare. I was pissy when I was pregnant and it didn't help that there was nothing that fit. I was pretty sure that the industry made the following assumptions:

• Fat girls don't have sex
• Therefore they don't get pregnant
• They don't need maternity clothes

Judging from the stats I've read (see above--women are size 14 and above), women are larger these days and most certainly need large sized maternity clothing.

And it makes me wonder, is the lack of available clothing really driven by economics?

Value of a Father

My husband excels at being a father. Ten ways he's an excellent father:

• He plays.
• He feeds them.
• He rarely gets frustrated and loses his cool.
• He supports me when I struggle to mother.
• He teaches.
• He's proud.
• He does his part to make sure our relationship is solid and stable.
  
• He laughs.
• He has his priorities straight.
  
• He loves.
  

Saturday Conversation

Last Saturday, I drank up the time with my kids. It was so wonderful to just be with them. My three-year old Jensen had some interesting things to say.

Why did Grandpa pull his hair out?
Jensen has pulled his hair out when nervous about lots of changes. Of course, Grandpa, who has an absent hairline, must have been upset about a lot, right?

We didn't play baseball.
This kid is obsessed with playing baseball. He brought his glove and tennis ball to his friend's house and was hoping to play catch. They were distracted with dinosaurs, toys and a trip to a lake. They didn't end up playing catch and despite all the fun, he still wished that he had played baseball with his friend.

Where's my racket?
I need to post on Freecycle that I want tennis rackets. He's asking to play tennis. I'm curious to see if he can actually play. I've never played, so I'm thinking it will be interesting with the two of us on a court.

My body

All winter, my young daughter has been clothed 99% of the time. Since it's warmed up, she has spent more time unclothed and it's been interesting to watch her reaction to her body. At first her skin seemed to be foreign to her.

She is amazed, interested and appreciative. The rounded, soft baby belly is becoming a firm toddler bump--just the first of many changes her belly will undergo. I want her to be comfortable in her skin as it grows and changes. I hope and wish that she will always find her body interesting, perfect, beautiful.

Real Happiness

The Ten Thousand Questions blog is perfect for inspiration.

Real Happiness:

What do you have in your life that makes you happy? After you've listed about five items, see whether they have anything in common.

My list:

1. Joyful children

2. Peaceful relationship with my husband

3. Big enough house

4. Challenging and rewarding job

5. A flower garden that is coming together

I think my list centers around family and home.

He really does love me

This is proof that my husband knows me.

We ran out of dishwasher soap and the husband went to get some. While I'm skeptical of a major chemical manufacturer's attempt to become environmentally friendly, it was does reveal that my husband knows how hard I try to be gentle to the earth. And he bought the soap with the word "green" and a flower.

He knows me.

My husband forbade me........

I have found Diaperswappers.com to be a helpful resource for trying new cloth diapers at a discount, buying some decent used cloth diapers and selling the ones that no longer fit. Last week I had a thought provoking interaction with a potential buyer. She was interested in a diaper I had for sale, but I wouldn't take a debit-funded PayPal payment and she wrote me this:

"My husband has absolutely forbade me from linking the checking account to PayPal....."

That little phrase gave me something to think about for a few days and I had three interesting conversations with friends and my husband. My conclusion:

I wouldn't utter such a phrase because it wouldn't be true.

If I said that my husband wouldn't let me do something, it would because I'm not taking responsibility for a decision and just blaming my husband. I'd be posing as powerless because a decision makes someone uncomfortable and I don't want to be the source of someone's discomfort so I make my husband become the source of discomfort. It's not a mature response.

I'm also glad that such a phrase wouldn't be true because my husband and I are partners. We make decisions together. We usually agree about those decisions because our values and priorities have become more aligned over the past 11 years. We're not afraid to argue/discuss an issue. If one of us has to compromise or give in, we still stand together. I would hope in this situation, I would say, "We're (or I'm) not comfortable connecting our checking account to PayPal......."

I wouldn't say, "My husband forbade me..." because it reveals unresolved conflict. Best case scenario, she and her husband disagree about connecting their bank account to PayPal. She'd like it linked/funded so she can easily buy the diapering supplies she needs. He think it puts their account in jeopardy. They disagree, but she has half-heartedly given in to him. Worst case scenario, she's economically powerless and who knows how her lack of power plays out in other ways in their marriage.

I think there are several reasons to eliminate "my husband/wife/partner forbade me" from our vocabulary. I'm not a psychologist, sociologist or theologian, but I think that when there is an imbalance of power in a marriage that bitterness shows up eventually. I've known enough bitter old wives and it's quite possible that an imbalance and abuse of power lead to bitterness.

Those who use Epistle Paul's words about the relationship between a husband and wife to justify a hierarchy in marriage are missing out. My interpretation of Proverbs 31 is that a smart, strong woman is ideal. I believe God made us for each other to be complete. The husband and wife complement each other with strengths and weaknesses and must be partners (of equal value) to become ONE. If one partner's strength dominates the relationship, then there is weakness in the relationship and the relationship is not enriched by the strengths of both partners.

Evaluate what's going on behind the scenes when the following words are thought/spoken:

• permission
• let/won't let
• forbids/forbade
• restrict
• other binding and controlling words
  

Why are those words being spoken and does partnership need to be restored?

Interview with Jensen

Way back in March, I read a friend's blog and liked the idea of interviewing my son to get a perspective on things. She interviewed her son Jack. Check out her blog for the original questions, I modified them to fit my son's ability to understand the question.

This is from Jensen (3.5years).

1. What is something mom always says to you?

Dinosaurs.

2. What makes mom happy?

Dinosaurs. Dinosaurs make you happy.

3. What makes mom sad?

TV. TV makes you sad.

4. How does your mom make you laugh?

She wiggles me. (dinosaur noises made as well)

5. What did your mom do when she was little?

She played dinosaurs and went "roar!"

6. How old is your mom?

Two.

7. How tall is your mom?

So tall!

8. What is her favorite thing to do?

Boxes. Carry things.

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?

I can't see you.

10. What is your mom really good at?

Listen to me.

11. What does your mom do for her job?

You work on the computer.

12. What is your mom's favorite food?

Jellies.

13. What do you and your mom do together?

I like to play cars with mama.

14. How much does mama love you?

So much!

Copy this note, ask your kid the questions and write them down exactly how they respond. Let me know if you interview your child.