Wandering around Blogging Land

The fall of 2008 I kept hearing about blogging, social media and Twitter. I seemed like something was happening. A trend, a movement that I didn't understand. So I set out to figure out what was going on.

As part of figuring out what was going on, I spent hours reading blogs. I'd click on on blog rolls and see who the whitty commenters were. I really enjoyed reading about others who have a different perspective on life and found a diverse group of bloggers to read.

I realized two weeks ago as I perused my Google Reader that I was in a reading rut. The same blogs over and over. Not that all of you that I've been following aren't fabulous, but I was ready to expand my horizon and read some new perspectives. So I've been clicking on your blog rolls and commenter links and have found some interesting new blogs.

First, I have to introduce Jennifer, author of True Story of What Was. She just had Blogger-ific Week and featured five blogs she enjoys. Check it out. It's a great idea.

I found Jennifer because I stumbled on Katie's blog, Confessions of a Young Married Couple. She had an interesting post about her decision not to breastfeed. I thought her reasons were coherent and logical. I also found it ironic since I had just posted about how we make our parenting decisions.

Don't laugh, but I just found Dooce. And we probably both agree she's funny. Yeah, I'm always behind.

Twitter has been an excellent way to connect with the women who write the blogs I read and find new blogs. Here's some links to people I found on Twitter or are on Twitter and blog.
Funny thought--it's my little circle of blogger friends. Several of us follow each other on Twitter. Some don't know they're my friends, but whatever.

Last of all, a new blogger: Thicker than Water. Check out what a new sister has to say.

Yeah, I could go look at your blog roll, but what are 1 or 2 blogs that I should be reading?
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Wordless Wednesday

Why I love co-sleeping. Among the many reasons, this is so cute.


And if you look close, they both have Bummis jungle print on. Jensen has the trainers and Anna has the cover. Cuties.
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Houseguest has returned

There are owies everywhere. Mr. Owie has returned and has brought friends.









During his sister's checkup, he interrupted the doctor to talk about the owies.


The prospect that a bump may turn into a bleeding wound makes him cry.














He was playing at a nearby playground and stubbed his toe. A dad had to carry him back because the blood was traumatizing.

It was never going to heal! He was convinced of it.

But this icky looking one taught him that his body will heal.
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Blog Open Mic

Welcome everyone. It’s time for a blog open mic and a chance to express yourself.

Microphone Check. One Two.

What is a blog open mic? I learned about it on Eugene Cho's blog. I also copied the text below. Feel free to

It’s simply a digital version of an OPEN MIC. In the comments section on this post, you can share [almost] anything…

What are some possibilities for the open mic?

  • a news story
  • your cause or another cause you want to call attention to
  • your blog
  • random thoughts
  • scripture that has spoken to you recently
  • world changing ideas
  • your music or plug your bands
  • your confessions
  • rants against me or rage against the machine
  • inspiring stories
  • the answers to life
  • your art, your poetry, prose or haiku
  • interesting links
  • promote an event
  • share your faith, fears, insecurities, and hopes

You can share whatever as long as it’s not hateful, vitriolic, etc.

So, here is your chance to express yourself. Take a minute and “open mic.”

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I live in a bubble

This past June, I wrote a post about how men and women should be partners, called "My Husband Forbade Me..." It generated some interesting dialogue in the comments. My underlying point was:
The husband and wife complement each other with strengths and weaknesses and must be partners (of equal value) to become ONE. If one partner's strength dominates the relationship, then there is weakness in the relationship and the relationship is not enriched by the strengths of both partners.
And I was also criticizing women about how they talk about their spouses. That has always bugged me. But Arwyn commented:
I am as always cautious about assigning blame to the oppressed group (women/wives in this case).... I also know that for some women "he forbade me" *is a factual statement*, and the fact that we are aware enough of this reality that it can exist as a social meme horrifies me.
I've been getting out of my bubble and meeting new people. Unfortunately, I witnessed a man bullying his wife. I witnessed a man desperate to control other people, including his wife.

The story of a complete stranger's mother is haunting (DQ & My Mom) and I shut down my imagination so it can stop filling in the blanks.

Can I get back into my bubble, please?

I really want to rescue those women and tell the boys to go back to their stinky fort where they can beat on each other with swords and leave us girls alone.

This is an introduction post that's brewing about why feminism is an important ingredient in raising our children and for us women in our marriages.

More later.
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Diaper Daisy Diaper Giveaway

I have used cloth diapers on both of my children for the past year and a half. I have finally reached "stash nirvana" but I'm always contemplating adding a few more and trying new diapers. But so far, I've been able to have a full diaper pail, a load on the line (or in the dryer) and enough to get through at least a day. Having enough diapers has made cloth diapering even easier.

Searching for #clothdiaper on Twitter has opened the door to more people who cloth diaper. Some familiar companies like BumGenius (@BumGenius), Rumparooz (@Rumparooz) and Kelly's Closet (@diapershops).

In the mix, I found Diaper Daisy (@DiaperDaisy) who is located near me in Chicagoland. Since I always love buying from local, small businesses, I'm plotting to use my diaper dollars at her shop. Right now, For the Love of Baby is sponsoring a $25 gift certificate giveaway to Diaper Daisy. Stop by and enter!

What would I buy?

A Planetwise Wet/Dry bag. I have one and it's perfect for a short or long day trip out. I can fit 3-4 FuzziBunz or BumGenius and wipes in the front, dry pocket. After a diaper change, I put the wet or soiled diaper in the top zipper where the PUL will keep all the moisture and stinkies inside. It's the wet bag I've been waiting for all my life (a little dramatic, but really, this thing is great).

Enter the giveaway here: For the Love of Baby

You can follow Diaper Daisy on Twitter (@diaperdaisy) or subscribe to The Diaper Diasy blog.
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In Defense of the Energetic Child


I wish that I had not seen the harsh words someone texted my friend, "If Rachel can't control her son...." It was implied that my son should have sat quietly on the couch while my friend and I sat for hours talking. A crime had been committed because we needed to go to the nearby park. It was not working for my son do laps around a small condo and keep him from the precious breakable decorations. Remembering those words still smarts.

Since having my son almost four years ago, my life has changed drastically:
  • When considering a restaurant, I factor in speed of service and wait to get a table. Both must be quick because within 30 to 45 minutes, my son is crawling and climbing. Right now, Sweet Tomatoes, which offers a healthy buffet is my favorite place to eat. In and out, no waiting.
  • I've improved my catching, throwing and batting skills. Next, I may be learning soccer or tennis.
  • We have a running quota. I've noticed that my son needs to run a certain number of minutes each day in order to be tolerable. The best part about our new place is that there are two sets of stairs. We may survive the five months of winter.
  • The idea of a plane ride lasting more than an hour sounds insane. A six-hour (or more) car ride sounds like cruel punishment.
  • Visiting friends and family must include space and time for running and active play. The times I have sat and enjoyed a cup of tea with a friend, my son has been an infant, drunk and passed out from breastfeeding, occupied with another toddler/preschooler, cared for by my husband or absent. I've attended only portions of family events like weddings and funerals.
  • Adult activities that only involve sitting and talking may be avoided.
  • We must visit the park at least every other day.
These are the normal accommodations that must be made when having a child. However, the energy levels and intense need to move vary in children. I have friends with children who sit quietly and color and who are a delight when dining out. But not my son and others that I know. What to do with these children?

Old World tradition, fueled by the patriarchy (dare I say kyriarchy), would say that I must scold, shame and hit my son until he is quiet and subdued. He must be seen and not heard. He must not squirm. He must attend grown-up events and behave like a grown-up.

I believe my son's energy is like the wind. It is as unstoppable. It's intense and continual. His energy moves him and those around him as well. However, it can be harnessed, much like we use windmills to capture and use the energy of the wind. His energy can thrive within boundaries.

Instead of trying to stop the energy flow, I choose to spend my time in places that accommodate his energy. I send him outside to run, especially if we haven't had enough movement during the day. While I don't think he has a sensory processing disorder, this website, www.sensory-processing-disorder.com has great ideas for activities that channel his energy. I'm teaching him the social norms of group activities and public places. Appropriate self-control will come as he ages.

And that person who was so critical of me? They're expecting their first child.

I'm praying it's an energetic child....
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Lessons Learned

I've learned a lot by observing my husband. He approaches the challenges of life with logic, whereas it's more complicated for me. I approach challenges while juggling feelings and expectations of myself and other people. Not to say he doesn't have or factor in feelings, but it seems that logic is what leads him. Best of all, he doesn't carry the burden of "should."

This is what I have learned and think it might be helpful to some of you.
  • Self-care is vital for staying strong. My husband takes care of the kids most days and when I get home from work, he needs to escape for an hour. He says, "It's what I need so I keep doing this day after day." How many women do you know that say that? Personally, when I was home with the kids all day, when he came home I felt relieved because I wasn't alone. But he's different and we have gone around and around on the subject. He has stated a need and makes sure it gets met. A good practice for me to adopt. A good practice for all of us to adopt as motherhood and parenting is demanding and we need to care for ourselves, even if it's just 30 minutes every day.
  • Sometimes it's OK to say "Fcuk it" and give up, especially when caring for children. Give into whatever is going on, enjoy the chaos, rest, be at peace, go with the flow or retreat. We have little children so I apply this when I set goals for myself and there's no way they can be met. The house will not stay clean, dishes won't get done and an email will not be sent. I must stop and play. I must stop and breastfeed. I must stop and tend to boo-boos. I must stop and lie on the couch.
  • Playing is an important part of taking care of children. When I compare what I do on weekends with the kids and what he does during the week with the kids--I need to play more. Playing is healthy for my health, our relationship and for my children's health. Somehow, how those things that "have to" and "should" get done will because he and I share the responsibility.
  • Rice can be combined with almost anything to make a tasty meal. The same is true for pasta but he's been great about choosing brown rice.
  • Ask without whining or demanding. This one is embarrassing to admit and puts my faults out there. I guess we all have to learn to behave at some point. It demonstrates that we need to have healthy boundaries in life and need to ask our partner to treat us and to talk to us in a respectful manner. That's the point--we're partners and we need to treat each other like adults (and it's easier to treat someone like an adult if they act like an adult). When I demanded or whined, he would say, "I'll do it if you ask me." Or would outright address the behavior, "You know how much I love the whining."
  • It's OK to trust someone else with the important things in life. (and with the important people in life) A newborn needs its mother 24/7 and trains the mother to tend to its every need quickly. But then some mothers stay trained to meet every need and forget to mature in mothering as the newborn matures. That's my explanation for why it's hard to let go and let a father or partner take on more caregiving responsibility. I'm sure there are many reasons because we are complex people living in an insane society. But, I know from experience that it's hard to let the other parent fail, mess up or be frustrated with caregiving. But it's important and worth it. And it's more than just caregiving, it's all the things that are usually relegated to the wife/mother--doctor appointments, social engagements, family events, contraception, cleaning, dishes, pet care, deep cleaning, this list goes on. You can trust someone else with the important things in life. And with the mundane things too.
  • Support the one you love as they endeavor in the challenges of life. Enough said.
When we were first married, he witnessed how I overscheduled myself (and him). He said, "If you add something, then you have to take something else away." Logical, right? Well, that was a pearl of wisdom that I needed to hear.

What have you learned from your partner?
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Breastfeeding Tribute

In the last week or so I've heard several stories told by women about how breastfeeding didn't work out. The stories include similar elements:
She just wouldn't latch.
I cried and cried.
It hurt so much.
I wasn't making enough milk.
And then I went back to work and there was no where to pump.
My pediatrician told me to supplement.
I knew myself, I wouldn't pump while at work and wanted my husband to share in the middle of the night feedings.
That breastfeeding Nazi....
I feel sad about the stories. It doesn't have to be this way.

My story is different. I gave birth in a hospital via c-section, my son was sleepy, then he had jaundice, my milk wasn't coming in, formula was given. It got complicated. Pretty typical story, but with a different ending. And for that, I have several people to thank.

My mother.
For the first six years of my life, my mother breastfed--with breaks in between the three children that came quickly after me. Seeing my siblings breastfeed influenced my understanding of how babies feed, there's no doubt. I remember playing at breastfeeding my dolls and my sister.

My mother's friends.
I remember my mother's friends breastfeeding their babies openly throughout my life. I grew up seeing breastfeeding as a very normal activity.

My friend, N.
After seeing breastfeeding all my life, I never knew it could be challenging. But in this culture and in this time, it can be hard. My college friend, N, was the first of friends to have a baby and I remember her telling about how hard breastfeeding was for her. I was so surprised that it could be hard and saved that pearl of knowledge for the future. Because she shared her experience, I was prepared.

That lactation consultant.
I was told in the hospital to breastfeed every four years (experienced breastfeeding moms--pick up your jaws). So I did. My son got sleepier and sleepier. My milk didn't come in. He was given formula. He was taken away at night because I had a c-section (I went and got him several times, sleep be damned). One nurse gave him 4 ounces of formula (too much for his walnut sized tummy).

Enter the LC angel. She asked me how it was going and I said, "Fine." She stepped closer, asked me to express some milk. Nothing. She took the time to look at what was really going on and I wasn't making milk. I wasn't making colostrum. With the urgency of an ER doc, she got me a pump and instructed me to pump at least every two hours, if not every hour, for as long as I could do it (10-30 minutes).

I'm not sure what would have happened without this angel. But she was the only one in that entire hospital that knew anything about breastfeeding.

Our pediatrician.
After this hospital experience, we brought our son in for his first visit. He told me to put away the pacifier. He told me my baby wasn't sick, that the jaundice would get better. He told me that my nipples were perfect for feeding. One of his nurses came in to give some hints. During subsequent visits, he declared me a Breastfeeding Olympian. A hero. An accomplished breastfeeding mother. His positive affirmation meant a lot.

My husband.
He knew how important it was for me to breastfeed and was supportive throughout. I wondered what he'd say when my son reached a year. And then two years. We discussed it several times and he deferred to what our son needed.

My manager, K.
Going back to work was harder than I expected. But it wasn't harder than my manager, K, expected. She knew because she had returned to work after each of her three children. When I wanted to work from home, she was flexible. When I needed time to pump, there were no questions. My company provided a quiet, appropriate place to pump and it made all the difference. It was my bio break, my "smoke" break, my lunch break.

Me.
I have a theory that the mother is the ultimate key to successful breastfeeding. In this culture, successful breastfeeding has to be the mother's goal, she has to really want it. I was successful because I really wanted to be successful. I know this is a controversial statement and maybe you want to tell me I'm wrong (I'm open to that). So far, it's been my experience that the only people who succeed really, really want it.

And I had those 7+ people who supported me. I'm one of the fortunate ones.

10 comments

Eleven years today

It's the 11th anniversary of our marriage (see picture on the left of the two kids--my husband isn't shorter than me, my hair was tall). I've been thinking about how to blog about the event but still haven't decided so we'll see how this post goes.

I wondered if I should reveal that the first 6 months of our marriage were great. But then I didn't like him for the next 2 years and really wanted to divorce him. I always like the look of shock when I tell young women that--yeah, ladies, fairy tales don't exist. Seriously, I didn't know what I'd do with all the great photos of us so I stayed with him. Oh, and I couldn't forget that I committed myself to him in front of a lot of people and God. But what really kept me stuck to him was that I realized that the second time around I wouldn't do better than the guy I had.

Or should I go on and on about how great he is? I married him because he has a good heart. I figured that out early in my relationship with him and correctly guessed that a man with a good heart would be a good partner. He encourages me in my career, he's loving to our children and he tries to do what's best. He's smart. He's funny. He's turned into a great caregiver of our children. He has taught me to value relaxation when I thought only work had value. He's tough and I want him by my side.

I wondered if I should blog about how much we've changed over the past 11 years. We started out with ideas about how things should work in a marriage. We brought our ways of living and behaving. Once we decided both our ideas and our habits had to change, we really became partners. I think we both agree that it took us five years to figure out how to live together and the last six years have been good! We're certainly a work in progress and we'll become even better together because we want to make each other happy.

I wish I could tell you about our getaway to celebrate our golden anniversary (11th on the 11th), well at least the logistics. It'd be fun to say we're going overnight to [cool hotel] and kids will be taken care of by [cool person]. Or maybe that we're going to dinner to [favorite restaurant]. But not this year. Next year, right? I know it'll get easier to get away when the kids are bigger and we're richer.

I wondered if I should blog about the highlights of each year. Ummmmmmm.... No. I'll save that for the 20 year anniversary.

I could tell you about how I felt 11 years ago. It felt surreal that the day had finally arrived. I was excited, it took a long time to get to sleep the night before and I woke up very happy. I picked flowers from the garden for the reception table bouquets. I was so nervous walking down the aisle. Our reception was fun with lots of dancing, just as I had hoped. My husband actually responded to the tinkling of glasses with a romantic dip and kiss. What a wonderful day!

So there you have it. My post on our anniversary and wedding. Happy anniversary to us and you know there'll be many more.
5 comments

My opinion about your parenting

My disclaimer is that I wish this was a well-researched, articulate post. I wish I was some kind of parenting expert. But I'm not. So I'm going to ramble about some things I've been thinking about and haven't quite figured out.

The Pre-Child Years
I didn't think too much about parenting until I became one almost four years ago. I read Dr. Sears' Attachment Parenting book and figured I knew enough. I realized when I got my son home that I had forgotten how to change a diaper and didn't know how to bathe him. So the Good Housekeeping Illustrated Book of Pregnancy and Baby Care came in handy. And a friend gave me some fascinating books about development by Penelope Leach. Those books and the discussion boards on mothering.com got me through toddlerhood.

Before I had kids, I also didn't have too much to say about how people around me were parenting. I didn't question a friend letting her baby cry for who knows how long while we played cards downstairs. I remember my mother being appalled when I told her about it. I remember how she would tell how she and a neighbor were horrified when another neighbor recommended crying it out to a new mother. Didn't think too much about it all.

But for the past four years I have had to think a lot about parenting, practice parenting and research parenting practices. And I notice how other people parenting. And other people tell me how to parent. I tell other people how I parent.

Categories of Parenting Practices
As I have researched parenting practices, I've noticed that many practices fall into different categories:
  • Absolutely right/wrong
  • Better/poor
  • OK
  • Whatever you think is best
When we look at the vast number of choices we can make about parenting, we disagree as to what category the choices fall into. For example, I'll choose some controversial ones:
  • crying it out
  • spanking
  • breastfeeding
  • circumcision
  • yelling
  • frequent fast food consumption
  • cloth diapers/disposable diapers
I might put these into absolutely right/wrong category. But really, are they? Maybe each one falls into each of the categories. For example, frequent fast food consumption. In my opinion, I think eating fast food frequently is poor. However, circumstances make fast food abstinence challenging and I'm comfortable with my child eating sub-prime food more often that he should. So, while I think it's "poor" I really live like it's "OK."

Evidence-Based Guidelines of Care
I work in the health care industry and write about evidence-based national clinical guidelines that are based on research. The guidelines outline recommend medical/clinical practices that achieve the best outcomes. There are clinical guidelines that recommend how often a diabetic should test blood glucose levels, what glucose levels are healthy and how often a foot exam is needed. As a practitioner and patient, following the guidelines can mean a patient can have optimal health despite a chronic disease.

Where are the evidence-based guidelines for parenting?

We are parenting practitioners, but there are no guidelines and we do the best we can. We lack so much--knowledge, wisdom, patience, time, partner support and the list goes on.

My Opinion About Your Parenting
It's hard when someone else parents differently than me. Sometimes I feel they're wrong. They're uninformed. They're lazy. And sometimes it comes down to that they've made different choices. They looked at the same information I did and came to a different conclusion.

It's really challenging to discuss parenting practices when a disapproval of a practice may cause someone to be defensive. Then it's personal. And it's so easy to become defensive. In the early years, I felt defensive about breastfeeding past a year, working outside the home, co-sleeping and not sleep training. Comments by friends, families and strangers would have me boiling for days. Sometimes I can laugh now, sometimes I can explain why I do what I do and sometimes I try to change the subject.

Parenting Goals
I've decided on my own evidence-based parenting guidelines by asking myself what outcomes I desire. I want my children to become:
  • Healthy, active children
  • Self-confident
  • Kind to others, loving
  • Bold and strong
  • Self-controlled
  • Spiritually centered
When I think about what I do and why, these goals help guide me. When I think about my parenting choices, I match them to these outcomes.
Will prematurely weaning my child impact his health and self confidence? Will yelling at my child teach him how to treat others well? How is the fast food impacting his health and habits? Does my working outside the home impact his self-confidence or maybe it has neutral impact on the goals because if I stayed at home or worked outside the home he has the same opportunity to learn the desired values and skills.
I think it's time for the rambling to come to an end. It's still early in the parenting journey for me. I've made choices about several parenting practices and I have many more to make.

Hope you ramble in the comments....
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